It Only Hurts When I Breathe
by alwayshope389
Summary: Martin remembers all the times they had together. MS


My heart is now buried six feet under. People walk up and offer empty platitudes such as "We're sorry for you loss" and I shake their hands, but it means nothing. My mind is numb, but somehow my body compensates and continues through the motions. People continue to leave until only Danny is left. He guides me to his car and drives me home. I find a steamy mug of coffee in my hands and he takes a seat across from me, but he says nothing. The sun goes down and the skyline of New York City lights up. The hours pass. He watches me as though he half expects me to jump out the window although I know he knows me better. He has taken this hard, too. We are all great friends, no were. This is a nightmare. When I wake up, she will be next to me, a beautiful smile on her face and her chocolate brown eyes shining brightly, full of life. I pinch my arm hard with my eyes closed, but when they open I see only Danny. He winces as though he knows what is going through my head. His eyes glisten, "Martin." His voice breaks and tears slid down my face, but no noise is made. The memories flow in sync with the tears.

_Flashback_

I was drunk, the stress after getting shot three months prior only now touching the surface. Post Traumatic Stress, whatever. I don't remember pulling out my cell, nor do I remember dialing her number. I do, however, remember trying to slur something out when Samantha answered. I found myself waking up on her couch the next morning (Later I learned that she had picked me up after my drunken argument.) with her seated across from me with coffee. She passed me the mug, and I drank it gratefully, my heading pounding the while. The silence stretched out, her eyes intently watching me.

"I'm sorry, I'm leaving." I stood up and placed the empty mug on the table.

"Why were you drinking?" She inquired.

I just put on my coat.

"Was it because of the shooting?"

I walked towards the front door.

"Danny's fallout two weeks ago? Martin, talk to me."

I reached for the knob.

"Our breakup?"

I stopped short.

"Everything spiraled down quickly; it's a lot for a person to handle."

"Why are you doing this?" I asked, whipping around, angry at her concern.

She had stood and her eyes glistened with unfallen tears.

I continued, "You pushed me away remember? To the point that I ended it in a last ditch effort to keep my heart in one piece. I loved you." I couldn't believe I had just told her that.

"Loved or love?" A single tear slid down her cheek.

"It doesn't matter now."

"Yes, it does."

I merely shook my head unwilling to put my heart on the line again. I turned around and placed my hand on the door knob.

"Martin!"

"What?" I didn't turn around.

"Wait."

"Why?"

"Because," she paused.

I began to open the door.

"Because, I love you."

I froze, rewound, and replayed her statement in my mind. The door shut and I was in front of her in two strides. Looking deep into her eyes, I knew she meant it. "I love you, too."

The blinding passion when our lips met did nothing for my hangover.

_End flashback_

Tears continued to fall as another memory hit me at full force.

_Flashback_

"Martin, chill. It's going to go perfectly." Danny tried to reassure my frazzled nerves.

"What if she doesn't-?"

"She will."

I had employed Vivian (who was now the boss) to create a fake missing persons case. She sent Sam and Danny out to the guy's L.A. office. I figured Sam wouldn't have like the first snow idea since she hates the cold. The entire flight I was in a nervous sweat. Danny was to keep her busy while I prepared. A romantic dinner on the beach at sunset, what could be better?

_End flashback_

The happier the memories become, the more I wished I could reverse time.

_Flashback_

Her breath caught the surprise evident. She stared at the sparkling diamond ring and a smile broke out on her face. "Yes, yes!" She exclaimed and wrapped her arms around my neck. I twirled her around then set her down and placed a kiss on her lips. I slipped the ring on her finger and she pulled my head down for a longer, deeper kiss.

_End flashback_

A picture on the mantle caught my eye.

_Flashback_

The wedding was beautiful. Family and friends were seated before me and the tears threaten to fall as I watched her walk down the aisle. Her dress was simple, white with red rose petals sewed on and the dress flared out towards the bottom. Her hair was curled and swept up off her neck, the veil barely reached her elbows. I had never been happier. We exchanged vows and were Mr. and Mrs. Fitzgerald.

_End flashback_

I remember our first married fight, then our makeup. I remember our good times and our bad. We have been married for four years and stayed true to our vows. In sickness and in health and until death did we part.

_Flashback_

This operation is bigger than our team, Agent Jones is going to be in charge," Vivian introduced.

The man took over and outlined the operation involving a joint force of nine teams and two other agencies.

We were in our places and everything was going according to plan until… shots were fired and chaos unfolded. I'm told the men were caught and arrested, but I wasn't paying attention. "Agents down!" I shouted. Two had been hit. Samantha was in my arms when she died, the paramedics arrived shortly thereafter. The other agent survived, but it was a close call for him.

Danny, Vivian, and I were in shock. Tears were falling and we had to be dragged away from the scene. I collapsed when her body was covered. Danny fell to my side. Vivian, being the mother she is, was on my other side. Nobody said anything. We couldn't believe what was happening.

_End flashback_

In the tests protocol requires, it was discovered that Samantha was two months pregnant with our child. We didn't even know. She shouldn't have been out there that day. It only hurts when I breath.


End file.
